A Goon
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Political Thoughts and Updates with professional political analyst, SM_007!

Author: SM_007 ()
Date: 2000-04-26 00:00:00

[Opening credits.]

(We start off with the usual CNN logo, Darth Vader's vague threats, and finally, clips of past shows set to a typical news update theme. Among the clips, we see BandWidth throwing copies of The Communist Manifesto into crowds of children, Psycho Sam! crying like a baby after losing the last election, Ikik biting Roel, who, in turn, bites TerinUnit, and finally, SM_007 attempting to use a saw to cut the chain which has him bound to his chair behind the Riptide desk.)

[The set.]

(We zoom in on the blue and silver desk, but instead of SM_007 sitting there, it's...)

Cujo: Ah haw haw haw haw! I am Cujo! FEAR ME! I AM L33T!

(Cujo throws his hockey stick at an audience member, who gets hit then falls unconscious. Cujo laughs.)

Cujo: This show is mine! Fear my wrath! No more SM_007! Bwa hahaha!

(The audience boos, and then Cujo starts foaming at the mouth like some rabid animal.)


(Cujo runs into the crowd and starts sliding into people, knocking them over.)

(Suddenly, a sheep falls on Cujo and he is knocked silly.)

Cujo: Fear...Cujo...Senators...Leafs...fear...l33t...

(More sheep keep falling from, um, somewhere, and the crowd runs away, screaming.)

(As the crowd is leaving, SM_007 runs back on the stage, grinning and holding a remote control with the words "E-Sheep" written above a large, red button.)

(SM_007 sits behind his desk as more sheep keep falling.)

SM_007: Hm, I wonder if there's a way to turn these things off...

(The sheep keep bumping into each other and rolling all over the place.)

SM_007: Ah, who cares. Hey! Stop knawing on my desk!

Sheep: Baa.

(The disgruntled sheep walks away. The other sheep keep walking around, falling, and bumping into each other, making a lot of noise.)

SM_007: Okay, I've done shows in worse conditions than this. It's no biggie. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to bring you to the first segment of my show. It's an interview with Azriel. Please welcome Azriel.

(Azriel comes out, trips over a sheep, sidesteps the other ones, then sits down, as the confused sheep look up at him and continue knawing on his chair legs.)

Azriel: Ack! Shoo! Shoo, you damn e-sheep!

SM_007: Just ignore them. I think that's all we can do.

(A sheep falls on Azriel, knowing him unconscious. SM_007 just stares straight ahead.)

SM_007: Or...we could cut to a commercial. We'll be right back!


(We fade in to see a computer screen. On the screen is Diablo II, and as the camera pans out, we see a whole bunch of kids looking at the screen in awe at this game they want. We continue zooming out, and see Sid6.9 playing the game, laughing maniacally.)

Sid6.9: Hey, kid, wanna play this game?


(Sid6.9 smacks the kid in the forehead, knocking him down.)

Sid6.9: HAW! You suck, kid! No one plays the Diablo II beta but ME! HAHAHA!

(Sid6.9 kicks another kid down on the ground, then steps on his face, grinding it into the carpet.)

Sid6.9: Oh, man, I rule! Tee hee hee hee!

(Suddenly, the kid gets up from the ground, but now he's...)

MysteryMan: I'm going to give you the beating you deserve, you game-hogging asshole! It's true, it's true!

(MysteryMan starts pummeling Sid6.9 as they both go offscreen, and the kids all start playing Diablo II. Another kid walks in front of the camera.)

Some Other Kid: DMD, better known as Death Match Drink! For those times when some evil genius wrestling promoter won't share his copy of Diablo II Beta with you! Hell, even if you don't get to play Diablo II Beta, at least you're thirst will be quenched!

[Back in another studio.]

(Tridus, the other anchorperson, is standing in between two leather chairs which are facing each other. He sits down in a chair between them, completing the triangle formation.)

Tridus: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We'll be back with SM_007 just as soon as he knows how to get all of those sheep out of the studio.)

(Tridus has to visibly restrain himself from chuckling.)

Tridus: Right now I'd like to bring out...Roel.

(Roel comes out, waving to the people, who aren't there, before he sits down in one of the chairs.)

Roel: Hi my name is Roel I am working class citizen.

Tridus: Yeah, we know, you've been here before.

(Roel blinks and stares at Tridus for a few minutes.)

Roel: Hi my name is Roel.

(Tridus sighs.)

Tridus: And here - God help us all - is his opposition in this war of words, the man, the myth, the legend: TerinUnit!

(TerinUnit stumbles around, and finally sits in a chair.)

Tridus: Okay, TerinUnit, may I just ask you--

TerinUnit: Bfeore yuo sya ayntihgn Tirdsu i ende ot takl aobut Terarn atBtlercuisre adn hwo ti si bset unti in Sctartaft!

(Tridus looks on, puzzled. TerinUnit rolls open a large poster of a Battlecruiser.)

TerinUnit: Tsih si erTrna Baltetcuirsre!

(Tridus looks over to Roel.)

Tridus: So, Roel, what are your thoughts on your opponent, TerinUnit?

Roel: Well me and TerinUnit friend but we can not be friend because Roel is working class citizen and Roel need to win election VOTE ROEL!

Tridus: You may be incoherent, but at least you make more sense than TerinUnit.

TerinUnit: Tahkn uyo! oNw i muts go ahd fnid etTerna Baltetruicer nda mkea usre htta ti si teh bset uint Stacfaftr KLLI ZGUR WRAROIRS!

(TerinUnit walks off.)

Tridus: Um, whatever. Roel, what is your current campaign centred around?

Roel: Roel is working class citizen!

Tridus: Yeah, you've said that already.

Roel: Hi my name is Roel!

Tridus: You're already introduced yourself.

(Roel blinks.)

Tridus: Nevermind. Let's just go back to--

(Suddenly, Psycho Sam! runs into the studio, and cuts one of the chairs in half as Tridus and Roel run off. Psycho Sam! laughs maniacally.)

Psycho Sam!: The election is mine! Ha ha ha ha HAW!

[Back in the main studio.]

(SM_007 is laying under his desk with the cameraman as hundreds of sheep run around.)

SM_007: Well, I guess that pretty much makes it a show...

(Suddenly, Azriel bursts out of the mountain of sheep and dives under the desk.)

Azriel: AH HA! I made it! Now I am ready for my interview!

SM_007: Interview?

Azriel: Yeah! Ask me what I think about kwerkey!

SM_007: Um, okay. What do you think about--

(Suddenly, the word "Suddenly" was overused, and the Riptide desk flipped over. Both SM_007 and Azriel looked up to see Cujo standing above them.)

Cujo: You cannot escape Cujo! PHEAR ME!

SM_007: Cujo! Look over there! It's a referee and he doesn't think you're l33t!


(Cujo runs offstage, screaming loudly.)

SM_007: Well, that ends that, then!

Azriel: Although there's still the matter of the endless sheep...

SM_007: Yeah, that's true. I guess I'll just have to go to the contingency plan.

(Azriel looks shocked.)

Azriel: You mean...PLAN B?!

SM_007: Yes...Plan...B.


(Ikik zips under the desk.)

Ikik: Hi! I'm Ikik! Vote Ikik!

Azriel: Um, you aren't running in the election...

(Ikik bites Azriel, who screams and throws Ikik off of him.)

SM_007: No, Ikik, it's true. You're here to get rid of these damn sheep!

Ikik: Vote Ikik!


(Ikik bounches into the field of sheep.)

SM_007: Ugh! What's he doing to them?

Azriel: Well, they certainly are running, alright.

SM_007: Yeah, but look at that mess! Blood stains are the hardest to get out!

(Azriel looks at SM_007.)

Azriel: And how would you know this?

SM_007: Um...zah?

(SM_007 crawls out from under the desk, over the sheep carcasses, and runs off.)

[Closing credits.]

Next episode...
What will it take to finally crack SM_007 and have him go totally insane, you may ask? Well, let's just say a friendly visit from the conspiracy-busting FBI agent rRaminrdot might do the trick. Hey! It's Cujo!

Cujo: Die, credits, die! I am l33t!

Virtue mine honour

Political Thoughts and Updates with professional political analyst, SM_007! - SM_007 - 2000-04-26 00:00:00
-LOL one more note ...after this interview i killed several of the sheep and... - Az Templar Of Evahl - 2000-04-26 00:00:00
--mmmmm, barbeque.... :-P~ - Tridus - 2000-04-26 00:00:00
-LOL! Extreme coolness :) - undertow - 2000-04-26 00:00:00
-tee hee hee :) - rRaminrodt - 2000-04-26 00:00:00
--I'd fix it, but I'm lazy. >:) Can't you just change your name or something? - SM_007 - 2000-04-26 00:00:00
---Um, sure, okay...... - rRaminrodt - 2000-04-26 00:00:00
----Fine by me. >:) - SM_007 - 2000-04-26 00:00:00
-----LOL! Identity crisis time. (and I bet its giving Richie flashbacks to a particular SNG :) - rRaminrodt - 2000-04-26 00:00:00
------Well, let's switch back now, m'kies? - SM_007 - 2000-04-26 00:00:00
-------okay. - rRaminrodt - 2000-04-26 00:00:00
-------good god.... *has flashbacks of IRC nights when people do this on a mass scale* - Tridus - 2000-04-26 00:00:00
-hehehehehehehehehe, these shows are wacky. nice job. :) - Tridus - 2000-04-26 00:00:00