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Political Thoughts with your host and professional political analyst, SM_007!

Author: SM_007 ()
Date: 2000-04-01 00:00:00

Sorry for the lateness of this show. I think most of you know some of the crap this damn show went through before I could actually finish it, so you know that there was at least a reason for it being late. Not to mention all of the debating that went on last night. Ugh. To make it up to you folks, this is a jam-packed episode with all of the candidates running around somewhere. Enjoy!

[Opening credits.]

(After the CNN logo disappears and Darth Vader's voice has stopped haunting us all, we see quick shots of past Political Thoughts and Updates shows, set to a typical news-ish theme song. Among the images, we see SM_007 being savagely attacked by a small ferret, a drunken Psycho Sam! digivolving into Super Psycho Sam! and getting back into the elections, a tearful MysteryMan speaking to a crowd about the end of his reign, SM_007 gulping down chocolate ice cream with his bare hands, BandWidth draping himself in the flag of the USSR, kwerkey telling his sad fans that he is dropping out of the election, and finally, a shot of SM_007 running back and forth on the set of the show, believing that he is a hummingbird of some sort.)

[The studio.]

(After the credits, we zoom in on a big, blue and silver desk with the letter "R" embezled on the front. A chair spins around, revealing SM_007, who is wearing a black suit and a large, fake smile.)

SM_007: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Political Thoughts and Updates! As always, and thanks to my contract, I really mean always, I am your host, SM_007! I know many of you missed us, since our show wasn't around on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and even the next Saturday, after only being on the air once with our season debut. If you think our producers are stupid idiots, hey, you'll have to get in line, right after me!

(SM_007 slyly moves his chair a few inches to the right as a brick goes flying by.)

SM_007: Anyway, I have just gotten word from our producers that it's time to wrap up this segment and bring out our first guest on this very special edition of the show. Not only is it special because we are going to be extra long and have extra guests on today, but it's special because our very own President is on the show tonight! So, without any further ado, I'd like to bring out a man whom has earned our respect and trust, and a man who will go down in history as the first President of Riptide Gaming...ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...President MysteryMan!

("Hail to the Chief" plays as MysteryMan walks out and greets SM_007, before they both sit down.)

SM_007: MysteryMan, sir, let me just say that it is an absolute honour to have you on the show today.

MysteryMan: Well, it's a pleasure to be here, SM. I noticed that you have every candidate running for President backstage, including Super Psycho Sam!. Let me just say that it's a pleasure to be on the same show with Super Psycho Sam!, and the rest of the runners.

SM_007: Yes, of course. We definitely have a packed show tonight. MysteryMan, what are your thoughts on your reign, and how do you feel about it coming to an end? What have been the ups and downs for you and this community during your time as Riptide President?

MysteryMan: Well, SM, that's a fair question, and it's only fair for me to say that the biggest thrill of my presidency was the original excitement of running against great candidates like Super Psycho Sam!. Without a doubt, Super Psycho Sam! is a worthy opponent, and a man whom I would be honoured to have replace me as the President of Riptide Gaming. Super Psycho Sam!.

(SM_007 looks slightly confused.)

SM_007: Right, well, I guess it's a little late for me to ask what you think of the current candidates...

MysteryMan: No, no, don't be so modest. Super Psycho Sam!, in my opinion, should be the man who replaces me as the President of Riptide Gaming. Super Psycho Sam! is a man who opposes communism, facism, and ferrets. Super Psycho Sam! also speaks in ye olde english, and is a man of great integrity. I would go as far as to say that no one else could fill my shoes as President, and Super Psycho Sam! would only exceed my limited and feeble--

SM_007: That's enough! Sheesh! That's enough about Super Psycho Sam!!

(MysteryMan starts twitching, and then sparks begin to shoot out of the back of his neck.)

SM_007: Are you okay, Mr. President?

MysteryMan: Of Super Psycho Sam! course I Super Psycho Sam! am, SM. Maybe Super Psycho Sam! you should continue Super Psycho Sam! with the Super Psycho Sam! interview, since I Super Psycho Sam! am finding this Super Psycho Sam! interview very Super Psycho Sam! informative, and--

(MysteryMan suddenly bursts into flames, and quickly melts into a pile of goo on the ground. When the smoke dissipates, we see a small, roboting box with eyes and wheels. It has "pSyCHo boT!" poorly painted on the side. It makse a beeping noise, and then scoots behind the desk where SM_007 is, out of view from the cameras and audience.)

SM_007: Why can't I have a normal interview for--

*ZAP!*

(SM_007, electrocuted, falls to the ground, with smoke pouring out from his hair. The bot rolls out from behind the desk, as Super Psycho Sam! walks out from behind the set background, holding a small remote control. The bot moves up beside Super Psycho Sam!.)

Super Psycho Sam!: Yes! Ha ha ha! It was ME who was responsible for the robot taking MysteryMan's place on this show! Meet Psycho Bot!, my companion and counterpart! With his amazing tazer powers, and my incredible genius, we will rule over this show...and the elections! This is my show! It's the Super Happy Psycho Sam! FunFun Hour! Yeah, that'll do! You will have no choice to vote for me now! The elections are under my control, and--

*Beep! Beep!*

(A small, red, mini-car zooms into picture, with the yellow hammer and sickle painted on its front. Slouched over the sterering wheel is none other than BandWidth, who continues to beep the horn as he drives in circles around Super Psycho Sam!'s ankles.)

BandWidth: Beep beep! Wheeee!

(Super Psycho Sam! starts shaking with fear, uncontrollably.)

Super Psycho Sam!: How did you know?

BandWidth: Beep beep! Know what?

Super Psycho Sam!: That my one fear is small, red cars with the colours of the USSR flag painted on them! I can't stand them! I can't stand it!

(Super Psyco Sam! then screams and runs off the set as the small car zig-zags after him. Psych Bot! Just makes some small robotic beeping noises and follows after the both of them at an extremely slow speed.)

[Commercial break.]

(We see a blissful family playing board games at the dinner table, as a warm fire crackles in the fireplace. Classical music is playing in the background, and both the parents, the little boy, and the little girl are all laughing and smiling as they take their turns in the game.)

(Suddenly, Super Psycho Sam! jumps through the window, smashing it. He takes his chainsaw, and begins to cut the table in half, laughing maniacally as hardcore heavy metal plays in the background. The family members scream and run off.)

Voice: Vote Super Psycho Sam! in the elections, because he opposes facism and communism!

[Another commercial.]

(Three kids are standing in line at their school cafeteria. Two of them are noticeably "cool," wearing baggy pants, backwards caps, and shades. The third kid is wearing rainbow suspenders and hige, bottlecap-like spectacles.)

Cool Kid #1: So, who do you think's gonna win the Riptide election, dood?

Cool Kid #2: Oh, man, it's totally Ikik, all the way. That ferret is hilarious, man!

Cool Kid #1: You kiddin' me? Roel is the bomb!

Cool Kid #2: What about you, nerdlinger? Who do you think's gonna win?

Nerdy Kid: Uh, well, I, uh, think, ah, that BandWidth should win.

(The other two kids start laughing their asses off at this.)

Cool Kid #1: Whatever! That communism thing is so lame!

Cool Kid #2: Yeah! Why did we even ask you, anyway? Get outta here, geek!

(The cool kids begin to push the nerdy kid out of his spot in line, and shove him to the ground. Everyone else, who were all in line, laughs at the kid. His face becomes red with anger.)

Cool Kid #1: Aw, what's wrong? Gonna cry, baby?

(The nerd suddenly brightens up, smiles, and pulls something out of his pocket.)

Cool Kid #2: What's that, punk? A calculator to calculate just how bad we're gonna beat your ass?!

Nerdy Kid: No...it's...

(The nerdy kid holds the small nutricious bar up to the camera.)

Nerdy Kid: A Death Match Power Bar!

(The kid takes a bite, and in a puff of smoke, he is replaced by Y2T.)

Y2T: Is some jerky gettin' on your nerves? Don't bore everyone by calling the teacher, your parents, or even a friend? Take a bite of a Death Match Power Bar, and teach those punks to never, E-E-E-EVER, mess with you...agayn.

(Y2T proceeds to throw both kids around while the announcer speaks.)

Voice: Buy a Death Match Power Bar! Become a competitor, and you too, one day, could be...

Y2T: The ayatollah...of rock...and...rollah!

[The studio.]

(We fade back in to another part of the set, where Tridus is standing between two chairs, and there is another chair behind him.)

Tridus: Hello, everyone, I am Tridus and it's time for the head-to-head part of our program, which is probably just as well since SM_007 seems to be unconscious at the moment. This part of the program should be quite interesting, as we will see CitizenDog and KilJad go head-to-head in a campaign battle debate. Both men are newcomers to the election, which means they have nothing to lose, and everything to gain here tonight. And with that being said, let us now meet KilJad!

(A normal looking man in a suit walks out, and takes a seat in one of the chairs.)

Tridus: KilJad, I'd like to get a brief word in with you before we bring out CitizenDog. Now, we know you have not actually said anything since announcing that you are running in the election. That, however, only makes this moment more exciting, as we are going to hear your thoughts for the first time. KilJad, since every forumer wants to know, what, exactly, is your running platform?

KilJad: ...

Tridus: Um, KilJad, since we don't have much time, what are your feelings towards MysteryMan, the current President of Riptide Gaming?

KilJad: ...

(Tridus starts sweating and grabbing at his collar.)

Tridus: Heh, heh, KilJad, heh, I'm sure you have SOMETHING to say...

KilJad: ...

Tridus: Ah, to hell with you. Bring out CitizenDog!

(A small dog runs out, barking and wagging its tail. It runs around in circles a few times, and then stops to scratch himself. Suddenly, it sees, at the other end of the studio, BandWidth in his red car chasing Super Psycho Sam! around SM_007's empty desk. Being a dog, it immediately barks and starts chasing the car. Super Psycho Sam!, followed by BandWidth and his car, followed by CitizenDog, all exit the main door of the building in one big chase scene.)

(Tridus just looks at the door, shakes his head, and looks back towards the camera.)

Tridus: Well, I guess there goes that part of the show down the drain.

(Just as Tridus finishes saying that, a generally odd looking fellow runs onto the set, and sits in one of the chairs. He smiles a goofy smile, and speaks in an excited, yet somehow demented, voice.)

Roel: Hi! I'm Roel. You talk with Roel!

Tridus: What?

Roel: Hi! I'm Roel. This is Roel show. You talk Roel. Roel smart and win election. Vote Roel.

Tridus: Uh, right. Do you have some kind of neurological disorder you need to tell me about?

Roel: Roel win election. Paid for by Roel.

Tridus: Aren't you Roel, though?

Roel: I'm Roel! Vote Roel.

Tridus: Why are you speaking in the third person?

(Roel just gives a blank stare.)

Tridus: That's it! I'm outta here!

(Tridus unhooks his coat mic and walks off the set while Roel just stares blankly at the monitor. He continues to stare with an innocent confusion for several seconds, until Super Psycho Sam! runs into the room and in front of the camera, a big smile on his face.)

Super Psycho Sam!: Hi! The Super Happy Psycho Sam! FunFun Hour! will be right back...

[Commercial break.]

(We see a rainy street, as a man in a raincoat runs up to his car, and puts the keys to the door, scrambling to get in as he is soaking wet. Another man calmly walks up behind him, brandishing an aluminum baseball bat. The other man is wearing a black trenchcoat with a red baseball cap, and grinning evilly.)

Man: Hey! I know you! You're--

*WHACK!*

(The man with the baseball bat smacks the man in the raincoat across the side of the head. The man falls to the ground. The man with the baseball bat and trenchcoat proceeds to hit him a few more times, then turns around and faces the camera.)

Edge: Hi. You might recognize me as Edge from Riptide Gaming. What you have seen here might seem to be pretty comical, but there's nothing comical about - windshield washer fluid. Thousands of cars run out of fluid around this time of year, right when they need it the most. So don't end up like my poor, unfortunate friend, here. Do the smart thing. Use Tridus Incorporated's new brand of washer fluid, and use it regularily. Otherwise...

(Edge sees an old lady walking down the street in the rain, carrying grocery bags. He immediately runs over, clubs her in the kneecap, knocking her over. He then steals her grocery bags and runs down the street as the camera fades out.)

[Another commercial.]

(We see a business office, where a nervous man is rapidly filling out some paperwork in his cubicle. Two other guys walk by, carrying golfing equipment.)

Golfer #1: Hey, Jimmy, wanna go with us to the game?

Golfer #2: Oh no, that's right, Jimmy has to finish all of that paperwork that we game him!

(They both laugh evilly, then start to strut away.)

(Jimmy stands up, and is holding a bottle of some kind.)

Jimmy: Hey, guys!

(They both turn around.)

Golfer #1: Yeah, what is it this time?

(Jimmy's voice becomes darker.)

Jimmy: Time for an ass-whoopin', 'cause Jimmy said so!

(He takes a swig of his drink as the other two managers look at him, confused. Then, in a puff of smoke, he is replaced by Flutie, who jumps over his cubicle and proceeds to break their limbs as they scream as an announcer speaks.)

Voice: Death Match Drink! No thirst is safe from DMD!

[Yet another commercial.]

(We see an American flag in the background, as Johnny Cochran walks in front of it. He lifts up a little diagram, and opens it up. Inside, there's a picture of a familier Star Wars character.)

Johnny Cochran: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This...is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookie. Chewbacca is a seven-foot tall Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk. He lives on the planet Endor, with the Ewoks. That does not make sense! Why would Chewbacca, a seven-foot tall Wookie, live on the planet Endor with a bunch of three-foot tall Ewoks? Ladies and gentlemen, that does not...make...sense! Look at me! I am taking up your time, buying out ad space on this CNN program, to talk to you about Chewbacca. That does NOT MAKE SENSE! Chewbacca is a Wookie. He lives on Endor with the Ewoks. That does not make SENSE! Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your time.

Voice: Vote for Adun975 in the next election!

[Back to the studio.]

(After the commercial, we see SM_007 struggle to his feet as smoke is still pouring out from his hair. He groggily sits behind the desk, and gathers his bearings. A voice offstage mumbles something to him, and SM_007 becomes immediately enraged, throwing his arms up in the air.)

SM_007: What the hell is this? You want me to hurry up?! Gimme a break! I was just electrocuted and unconscious for most of this freakin' show! Week after week after week, I am humiliated by you people and the damn guests you bring on this freakin' show! Well, not anymore! I QUIT!

(SM_007 storms offstage. A voice, offstage, speaks.)

Voice: Damn! Tridus and SM_007 are both gone! I guess we have no choice, then. Bring on the emergency replacement show host!

*POING!*

(A small ferret jumps on top of SM_007's desk, wearing a suit and tie.)

Ikik: Ooh, shiny lights!

(Ikik falls over and off the desk, then poings back on top of it again.)

Voice: Okay, Ikik, just remember what we told you. Do you remember?

Ikik: Yip! Ikik talk to guest! Vote Ikik!

Voice: Okay, then! Bring out the first guest!

(Some guy walks into the stage, looking confused. He is wearing old clothes, and doesn't look to have the best motor control skills. He sits down on a chair beside Ikik, looking back and forth with wide eyes.)

Ikik: Hi! I'm Ikik!

Roel: Hi! My name is Roel!

Ikik: Vote Ikik!

Roel: Vote Roel!

(Suddenly, love music starts playing in the studio as Roel and Ikik's eyes lock, a sparkle in the eyes of both candidates. The love scene is broken up by SM_007 running onstage and tackling Ikik, as the real MysteryMan runs onstage and tackles Roel.)

SM_007: I am not being replaced as a show host by a goddamn ferret!

MysteryMan: And I am not being replaced as President by an idiot!

(They all brawl offstage as security tries to apprehend them. Super Psycho Sam! runs back on the stage, and starts cutting the blue and silver desk in half with his chainsaw, a mad grin on his face. He then chases everyone, including the security and producers, out of the building, laughing maniacally.)

[An old deserted highway in the forest.]

(A familier red mini-car pulls up, with bandwidth hunched over the steering wheel. CitizenDog is hanging his head out the side, panting. BandWidth stops and opens the door.)

BandWidth: Okay, boy, you're free now! Run free!

(CitizenDog jumps out of the car, and starts running around in circles, barking. BandWidth immediately pulls off into the sunset as fast as possible, while CitizenDog watches with a confused look on his face.)

[The credits roll...]

SM_007
We may be through with the past, but the past is not through with us.

Political Thoughts with your host and professional political analyst, SM_007! - SM_007 - 2000-04-01 00:00:00
-Kewl, My Death Match is the chief sponsor of the Political Show! Yipee! - Sid6.9 - 2000-04-02 00:00:00
-hehehe...hehe...he... - The Lord DebtAngel - 2000-04-02 00:00:00
-LOL :) - Anonymous - 2000-04-01 00:00:00
-LoL! - BandWidth - 2000-04-01 00:00:00
-That was terrible! It didn't include me at all! - Un-King WizardSlayer - 2000-04-01 00:00:00
--Hrm... - SM_007 - 2000-04-01 00:00:00
---What about me?! - Anonymous - 2000-04-01 00:00:00
----You were the, erm, uh, ah, other, erm, announcer... Yeah, that's the ticket... - SM_007 - 2000-04-01 00:00:00
-----*Cough* *Hack* *Spit* What about me *Whips nose with the sleeve of his dirty rags* - Anonymous - 2000-04-01 00:00:00
------Um, here *Throws the bum a quarter* - SM_007 - 2000-04-01 00:00:00
-------*Cough* I don't need your pitty! *SM_007 runs away, The bum jumps at the quarter and pockets it* - Anonymous - 2000-04-01 00:00:00