Daily Political Thoughts with your host and professional political analyst, SM_007Author: SM_007 ()
Date: 2000-03-24 00:00:00
(After the almighty and fearsome CNN logo with Darth Vader's evil warnings, the opening credits appear. In the opening credits, we see flashes of various images set to a typical news-ish theme song. Among the clips and images, we see a ferret sitting on top of a podium and looking around, SM_007 quietly sobbing behind his desk, Aqwidox sitting behind a desk, hard at work drawing graphics, SM_007 drinking out of a brown paper bag, a crazy stick figure with a plaid shirt with spinning eyes, SM_007 throwing a tantrum as he throws his papers all over the room, laughing insanely, CitizenDog talking seriously and then laughing out loud after every sentence, SM_007 holding a bloody knife as he looks in shock behind his desk at something which can't be seen by the camera, and finally, kwerkey desperately running around with bags of money, trying to get people to vote for him.)
(We zoom in on the silver desk with blue sides and the letter "R" on the front of it. SM_007, wearing a nice suit and tie, sighs heavily, not seeming too passionate about his work. He looks over his papers for a few more seconds as we finally close in and the lights come up. SM_007 smiles a huge, bright smile, and talks in a very excited tone.)
SM_007: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Daily Political Thoughts! I'm your host, as always, forever and ever and ever and ever, SM_007! I'll be doing this show forever! Hahaha. But boy oh boy, even if I have a lifetime contract, I am very excited, as election time has once again rolled around and we are about to take a look at some of the new forumers who are running for the position of Riptide President! As always, our show focuses on one major candidate, while taking a sneak peak at two or three more, and tonight, we are going to take a look at the most popular person running thusfar!
(SM_007 looks down at his papers, and then stares at the camera for a few seconds in disbelief. He opens his mouth as if he is about to say something, but just looks back down at the paper again. He then furrows his brow, and yells offstage to a stagehand nearby.)
SM_007: A goddamn ferret?! A ferret is the most popular person, or thing, or whatever...RUNNING?!
Voice: Um, yes, actually. According to statistics--
SM_007: For heaven's sake!
(SM_007 looks directly into the camera.)
SM_007: What the hell is wrong with you people, anyway? Is this your sense of humour? I have to try an interview some goddamn ferret now? What, is this funny? Huh?
Voice: Um, SM, please continue. We are ready to bring out the ferret now.
SM_007: Yeah, whatever, a ferret. Hey, that's cool. A ferret. Bring it out.
(The stagehand walks up, and plops the small ferret down on the desk. It sniffs around for a little while as SM_007 stares at it with tears in his eyes, knowing he is watching his career go down the drain. SM_007 once again turns around and looks to his right, offstage.)
SM_007: What the hell do I ask a freakin' ferret?
Voice: Ask it about its platform.
SM_007: You're joking, right?
Voice: Just do it, please.
(SM_007 lets out a long sigh, and shakes his head.)
SM_007: What's, um, your, uh, platform, mister ferret?
Ikik: My name is Ikik! My name isn't mister ferret!
(SM_007's mouth drops to the floor.)
SM_007: You can talk?!
(SM_007 is visibly taken aback.)
SM_007: Well, that's interesting. So, what's your platform?
SM_007: Yeah, well, you know, what do you plan on doing if you win the election?
Ikik: Vote for Ikik!
SM_007: Do you have anything going for you?
Ikik: What do you mean?
SM_007: FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING RUNNING IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FREAKING HELL YOU WANT TO DO IF YOU WIN THE PRESEDENTIAL ELECTION?!
(Ikik bites SM_007's hand, who immediately jumps to his feet and starts running around the set, screaming in a high-pitched, disturbing voice.)
Voice: Go to the card, dammit!
(A still image of the CNN building exploding with people running away from it shows up on the screen, with the words "WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY!" underneath it. It stays on the screen for about two minutes, when the screen goes dark, then to a commercial.)
(We zoom in on an old man, sitting on a porch. He is toothless, and smiling as he rocks back and forth on an old rocking chair. The sun is setting, and he is relaxing, looking into the sunset. But then, BLAM! He is pumped full of bullets, gasps, and then falls to the ground, dead. On the old, gravel road, we see a black luxary car pull off into the sunset as a voiceover guy speaks.)
Voice: 1-800-GO-GOONS. For those people you just HAVE to kill. Call us before someone else calls us to come and kill...YOU.
Another, Quick Voice: Noonemayactuallycallthegoonstohaveyoukilled.
(We see the American flag and a fern in background, as big-shot U.S. laywer walks into the scene, smiling and holding something in his hand, which we can't see at the moment. He holds up the paper, and it's a picture of Chewbacca, the infamous Wookie from Star Wars.)
Cochran: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This...is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookie. Chewbacca is a seven-foot tall Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk. He lives on the planet Endor, with the Ewoks. That does not make sense! Why would Chewbacca, a seven-foot tall Wookie, live on the planet Endor with a bunch of three-foot tall Ewoks? Ladies and gentlemen, that does not...make...sense! Look at me! I am taking up your time, buying out ad space on this CNN program, to talk to you about Chewbacca. That does NOT MAKE SENSE! Chewbacca is a Wookie. He lives on Endor with the Ewoks. That does not make SENSE! Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your time.
VOICE: Vote for Ikik in the next election!
(The screen fades out.)
[Back to the show, but this time, outside in the streets.]
(We come in to see Tridus, formerly known as Dark Lord Tridus, standing outside an alley at night. Gunshots can be heard in the distance.)
Tridus: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. For those just tuning in, we'll get back to SM_007 in just a moment, when our little...situation...in the studio is cleared up. Right now, however, I am going to try to get an interview with Psycho Sam!, who, after losing the last election, went even more insane and moved into an alley where he now believes he is some sort of messiah. Oh, here he comes now...
(A drunken Psycho Sam! swaggers up to Tridus, burps, and then leans back and forth, trying to keep his balance. Tridus looks repulsed, but continues his interview with a professional tone in his voice.)
Tridus: Sam!, you are going to be running for President again this year. Is this corrent?
Psycho Sam!: Can't a feller drink in peace? Why I oughta--
Tridus: Easy there, big fella. Since it's obvious that you are running again, what's your platform?
Psycho Sam!: You know, my platform is a lot like a beer. It smells good, it looks good, and you'd step over your own mother just to GET one. But you can't stop at one. You have to drink another platform!
(Psycho Sam! starts downing another beer.)
Tridus: Um, right. What can we expect out of the unpredictable Psycho Sam! in this upcoming election?
Psycho Sam!: You know, I've been wanting to tell off you for the longest time. You STINK! Your whole operation stinks! I quit!
Tridus: Well, uh, don't quit.
Psycho Sam!: All right then.
(Psycho Sam! swaggers off, mumbling incoherently.)
Tridus: You heard it here first, folks. A feller likes to drink in peace. Back to you, SM_007.
(We go back to the main studio, where we see a bandaged SM_007 slouched over in his chair, with bandaids on his cheek and hands. On the desk, we see a ferret lying on its back, its fat belly going up and down as it breathes heavily, and its tongue hangs out. Both the ferret and SM_007 look exhausted.)
SM_007: Thanks, Tridus. Man, who thought such a little rascal could put up such a fight, eh? Heh heh heh heh heh, heh heh heh heh heh. Oh God, I wish I were dead.
(SM_007 sharply looks offstage.)
SM_007: What's that? Really? Okay, sure.
(SM_007 looks back at the camera.)
SM_007: Well, before that ferret wakes up again, I think we should call it a night. Check back tomorrow, when I am sure we'll have some more bullcrap for me to climb through and be humiliated by. Also, we'll have an exclusive interview with MysteryMan, and get his feelings on the new elections as his current reign comes to a close for this term. So, please tune in, since at least then I'll get good pay and then will have something to live for, even if it ain't much in this life. Well, this is SM_007, prefessional political analyst, saying good night, and God bless!
(SM_007 gives one final nasty look to the ferret before falling out of his chair, onto the ground, and then crawling away off the stage. The lights dim as the credit rolls and the news-ish theme song plays.)
We may be through with the past, but the past is not through with us.
Daily Political Thoughts with your host and professional political analyst, SM_007 - SM_007 - 2000-03-24 00:00:00
-**Sigh, stares down and mumbles** Wow that was sexy it even challenges Big Sexy...good post... - Reed - 2000-03-24 00:00:00
--Why, thank you for those oh-so-kind words, MysteryMan, that was really nice of you to say so... >:) - SM_007 - 2000-03-25 00:00:00
-Hehehe cool :) - Edge - 2000-03-24 00:00:00
-whee! - RStefan01 - 2000-03-24 00:00:00
-*poing* i like it! :) - undertow - 2000-03-24 00:00:00