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undertow's fun Birthday Adventure!

Author: Maelstrom ()
Date: 2000-03-22 00:00:00

Undertow’s fun Birthday adventure:

(The theatre is well lit, and spacious. Plush red seats give the room a sort of elegance, until one realizes that the seats were probably a dark green until a few hours ago. The silhouette of a number of small, rodent-like creatures wearing party hats flit in and out of the darkness. Over the stage, there are huge gashes carved in the wall by what looks to be a chainsaw, reading, “ for Undertow” Ikana is hanging upside down to form the period after ‘Undertow.’ He is wearing a pin that says, “Manager.”)

Ikana: Uh…guys…can you let me down now? Guys….please? It isn’t funny any more, Kazz! All the blood is rushing to my head…uh….guys?

(Kazz suddenly pops out from under one of the seats, eating a chicken wing. At least, everyone present hopes it’s a chicken wing)

Kazz: You want more, zerglie-boy?

Ikana: That’s not what I said at all…

Kazz(shrugs): Feh. I know. But it’ll do.

(Kazz revs Fluffy, and begins climbing a ladder leading to Ikana)


(As Kazz climbs, various CWALers, Ex-Sidewinder members, and regular forumers stream into the theatre, some saying hello to Kazz as they pass. I few of them say goodbye to Ikana. As everyone starts taking their seats, a booming voice is heard in the back of the audience.)

“Leave him, Kazz.”

Kazz: Gah! The voices again!

(Kazz falls off the ladder, and starts whimpering)

Ikana(looking very relieved): Oh, thank you thank you whoever you are! I’ll do whatever you want, I’ll be your servant, anything…

Friendly(stepping out of the darkness, smiling): Oh, I know…I know…

(Friendly and Ikana exit backstage. Fluffy begins to look mighty appealing to Ikana. After they exit, to various hoots and cheers from the audience, Akardam comes comes on stage.)

Akardam: My friends, we come here to celebrate a momentous occasion…

Lothos(looking up from the audience): No we don’t.

Akardam: Uh, okay…well, we come here to celebrate the birth of a leader…

Maggott: No, I don’t think that’s right either…

Akardam: FINE! We come here to celebrate an all-around cool guy and fun person.

(Various cheers and whistles arise from the crowd.)

Rstefan01(shouting out over the crowd): WOOHOO! FREE FOOD!

(slight pause)

Rstefan(nervously): For…undertow!

Akardam: And now, for the opening act. (jumps off the stage, and sits down in a seat)

(A short sword rips through the red curtain, and a tiny rabbit jumps out.)

undertow(enraged): You CAPITALIZED the ‘u?’

Akardam: Umm…no?

undertow(glaring suspiciously at Akardam): I…should kill you…but, just. This. Once.…I’ll forgive you…

Akardam(wiping sweat from his brow): Wow…god…whew, you know, for a second there I really thought you were going to slice me open. Now just be a nice bunny, an-


Akardam(Too nervous to realize his mistake): Nice bunny?

undertow: Okay, THAT’S IT! (Unsheathes his sword, and charges after Akardam)

Akardam: Well, dammit.

(Akardam jumps up on the stage, and runs behind the curtain, with undertow in close pursuit, welding his broadsword. Akardam sprints through a door, and down a corridor, with doors on both sides. A large sign in front of the passage reads, “Actors quarters.” Realizing that Undertow is gaining on him, he immediately flings himself into a large dressing room. Quickly realizing that he is not alone, he hides behind a large crate. undertow enters soon after, and stands quietly next to the doorway, his eyes wide open.)

Mu: This apparel is distinctly, perceptibly, totally unbecoming for a biological, water based-life form of my level of attainment…

(Mu is dressed in a skintight, short pink nightgown. He is pacing the room worriedly, trying to pull the dress down below his upper thigh, and not succeeding. Frenzy is sitting in the room with him, trying to stifle a laugh)

Frenzy: Now now, you look elegant, Mu. That’s fancy little get up will really…reach…the audience.

Mu: I fail to demarcate exactly why this passage of attainment must be followed!

Frenzy: Blackmail.

(Frenzy holds up two pictures of Mu, dressed in a…flattering…sweater, blond wig, and skirt smiling flirtatiously at Fearless in an alley behind CWAL HQ.)

Mu: Indeed.

Frenzy: Okay, let’s practice your moves one last time. Get on the pole.

Mu(sighing): I concur, reluctantly.

(Mu approaches a long metal pole slowly, and cautiously wraps one of his legs around it.)

Mu(in a monotone, reciting): Oh baby. Oh baby. Let us go for a ride, if you please.

(Mu begins slowly twirling around the pole)

Akardam(forgetting that he was hiding, stands up): It’s…it’s…mesmerizing…

undertow(seeing Akardam): There you are!

(Akardam breaks his gaze from Mu, and notes with horror that a very angry, very armed rabbit is approaching. After trying unsuccessfully to hide in Mu’s dress, he scampers out a nearby door.)

Mu(reciting monotone): Come back. Come back, baby. I would endeavor to obtain more of your “sweet loving.”

(Akardam enters a dark, damp room, lit only by torches. Two people are visible. One is standing tall and erect [Author’s note: Quiet, you sickos…] in the middle of the room, while another is quivering, laying flat on the ground. [Author’s note: Oh…wait…damn…maybe…you were right…ewwww])

Ikana(laying on the ground): No, no Master! Not again! I’ve had enough! I’ll be a good boy! Very good boy! Very good! Nice little hobbitses!

Friendly(standing over him): What was that?

Ikana: Gollu-…nothing, sir. Nothing.

Friendly(looks angrily at Ikana): You shall have IT again!


Friendly: It shall be done!

(Friendly unravels a scroll, and puts on his reading glasses)

Friendly: You shall learn, or you shall perish!


"...and as the moon waxed gibbous over the peoples of ancient Irvine, the

CWALers are holding conclave to determine the destiny of empire. And from

amongst them, came the greatest of all CWALers, undertow, he will speak loudly,

proclaiming that under the sign of the smiley, the Hairy Ones of the Tide

would writhe long upon poles of the iron wood, wallowing in their blood, and

their women would breed...


...and the Great One was displeased with the positions that the CWALers

utilized in breeding, and unleashed his mighty Phallus, thrusting the

Patagonian Plains to the bottom of the Seas, and devouring their perverted



(Akardam sprints out of the room, shortly followed by undertow screaming something about how he’ll show them a, “nice bunny.” Akardam flings open another door, and runs out into the theatre, which is empty now. While looking back, he trips over a cord. His eyes go wide as undertow appears above him, and raises his sword for his first, and last, blow.)

undertow: DIE AKKY DIE!

(Suddenly, balloons float up from between the seats, and CWALers, ex-Sidewinder people, and various forumers pop out from the seats, and balcony. Lothos and Maggott are holding a giant cake that reads, “Happy Birthday undertow”)


(undertow looks up, amazed, and forgets about Akardam, who stands up, and walks next to undertow.)

undertow: It’s beautiful, isn’t it?

Akardam: Yup...

Undertow(smiling): So, what are we waiting for? LET’S PAAAAAAAAARTY!


And, in conclusion, HAPPY BIRTHDAY UNDERTOW! =)

“...when you ask ‘What can one do?’ — the answer is ‘SPEAK’ (provided you know what you are saying)....Speak on any scale open to you, large or small....Do not pass up a chance to express your views on important issues.”

undertow's fun Birthday Adventure! - Maelstrom - 2000-03-22 00:00:00
-hehehehehehe - Tridus - 2000-03-22 00:00:00
-*stab* You lowercased the 'S'! =) - RStefan01 - 2000-03-22 00:00:00